No, i love you more.
No, you are, I love you more.
Of course.
Don't play This game, don't.
No, you're the most fantastic Person on the planet.
You are !
Yes, you're the best.
No, you-- Okay, all right.
I will, i will, You too.
You're the best, You're better.
You're better, You're better !
All right.
Hey, do you wanna Say hi to-- right.
I love you too.
Bye-bye.
Who was that ?
Who were you Talking to, ben ?
Um... A bill collector.
No, come on, ben.
Obviously-- was that An old girlfriend ?
That was mom.
Well, didn't she wanna Say hi to me or anything ?
No.
How is she ?
She's well. Terrific.
Yeah, yeah, How are you doing ?
I'm okay. Good.
You know, it's funny.
We were talking about maybe Her blowing through town here.
Hello ?
I'm sorry, you were talking About her coming--
Well, she was actually--
She was mentioning That she was gonna be
Traveling through this area, So i, of course,
I said that, When she does,
Next week, she could Stay here.
Well, i'm sure she can--
You mean stay Here in town ?
Yeah, but i sort of said, More specifically,
She could stay here In the house, when she comes.
Well, you know, That may not be
The best arrangement for Everybody, because--
Well, dad, it's the Only thing i could say.
I mean, i was on, You know--
No, i know, But i think that--
You know what's good Is the holiday inn
Right down the block, It has a--
Yeah, dad, but The point is that--
She could have room service And there's a hated pool.
A what ?
A heated pool.
You said "hated pool," "Hated", not "heated".
No, you heard "hated".
I know what I said, ben.
I said they had A heated pool.
I've stayed there.
No, that's a slip, You made a slip.
You said "hated" because we Were talking about mom.
Say "hated pool".
Hated pool.
Say "heated pool".
Heated pool.
Well, if i said "hated pool", It was a slip.
But it wasn't A freudian slip.
It was a jungian slip.
But she's just Coming to visit,
So it's not, Like, a big deal.
She'll stay for A week or two.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable
With the idea of her staying In my house.
Well, dad, you know Very well that mom--
What do you mean Your house ?
I said i'm not Sure i'm comfortable
With her staying In our house.
Yeah, but you Said "my house".
You said "hated pool" and then You said "my house".
Ben, you hear What you wanna hear.
What did you just say ?
You are what you eat.
All right, it's a full Kitchen, two bedrooms,
Living room, dinette, walk-in Closet in each bedroom,
And one full bathroom with Shower, tub, and linen closet.
( Phone ringing )
Okay, Um, hold on.
Dr. Katz's office.
That's right, It's still available.
Please hold.
Ralph, sorry.
( Beep )
Could you Hold on a second ?
( Dr. Katz on intercom ) Laura ?
Yeah ?
I can't get An outside line.
What's going on ?
I have a lot Of people on hold.
Well, do some of them Wanna talk to me ?
No, because i placed My ad about my apartment.
Oh, right, you told Me about that.
Why would you give Your work number ?
This is what I don't understand.
Because this Where i am all day.
But isn't that something you Should really do on your time ?
Do you see what I'm saying ?
My time ?
Well, 'cause now, technically, You're working for me,
Taking my calls, on my Phone lines that i pay for.
So it's your time ?
Well, shouldn't you be getting Those calls at your home ?
I don't want all those People knowing my home number.
And first let me Ask you this:
Would you characterize their Marriage as a good marriage ?
Do you think it was A happy marriage ?
Well, they never really Would fight, my parents.
Everything was always very Under the surface.
The only way i could tell My mother was angry at my father
Was at meals she'd Serve him bread
With a frozen Stick of butter
And watch him struggle.
That's subtle.
Is it a partnership, Your marriage ?
I mean, does he Pitch in around the house ?
Does he help out ?
My husband suffers from Refrigerator blindness.
Right, right.
He can't see anything In the refrigerator.
He'll stare In it for hours.
Right, i had that.
He won't move anything In the refrigerator.
If he doesn't See it, it isn't there.
He'll say, "where's The tuna fish ?"
I'll say, "It's behind the milk.
Move the milk."
He'll say, "i don't want To move the milk."
'Cause for some Reason if he moves the milk
And the tuna fish Isn't there--
Yeah ?
The milk won.
Who handles the finances In your family ?
Well, my husband Does the checkbook.
I knew nothing About money.
My parents didn't Teach me anything.
I used to sign my checks "Love, rita".
My first credit card Bill i got was so big,
Before i opened it, i actually Heard a drum roll.
That's a big bill.
Hey, laura.
Hi.
Hey, how are you ?
Fine, how are you ?
Good.
I stopped by.
Yeah, i just Came by, and--
Well, actually, i got some news For my dad, and it's pretty big.
I mean, it's Fairly big news.
I was hoping he was free,
Because he's gonna wanna Hear this one.
It's a bomb, Quite frankly.
This is an explosive Piece of news.
I'm gonna drop it.
I'm gonna Drop the bomb on him.
Neat.
It's gonna be difficult To tell him, you know,
Because of the nature of The news, but it--
Here, why don't you take this Pen and this piece of paper--
Well, i think It's better heard--
And write down what you Have to say
And i'll give it to your dad, 'Cause he's busy right now,
And i don't think that--
( Phone ringing )
Woops, gotta Get the phone.
Darn it.
Hello, dr. Katz's office.
Speaking.
Right, okay.
Yeah, it's a full kitchen, Two bedrooms, living room,
Dinette, walk-in closets In each bedroom.
That's right, yeah.
Oh, great.
Oh, yeah, sure, That sounds good.
Um, can i get index cards, Because i'm--
Shh !
I'm sorry.
No, no, no, that Won't be necessary.
I'm not gonna Write it out.
I'm just gonna Hit the bullet points.
I just need an index cards--
I'm sorry, gary-- could you Hold on for a second ?
Could you shut up ?
Do you have A highlighter ?
Shut up !
My husband has Two beliefs in life:
He believes in god And he believes
That when the Gas gauge is on empty,
He still has a quarter Of a tank.
He thinks the "e" stands for-- "Eh, there's still some left".
When, in fact, it Stands for empty, right ?
So let me ask You something:
When you talk about friction In your marriage
What kinds of Things cause friction ?
He doesn't understand that i Have to talk to my girlfriend
On the phone Every single day.
He'll say, "why do you have to Talk to her again today ?
"You just talked To her yesterday.
What could you possibly Have to tell her ?"
I say, "for one thing, i have to Tell her you just said that."
Do you and your husband Talk about raising the stakes,
Starting a family ?
We did long for the Pitter-patter of little feet,
So we decided to Buy a dog--
Cheaper, and You get more feet.
My husband's never had A dog before,
And i realized men Teach dogs different tricks
Than women teach dogs.
My husband Came home.
I said, "look, i taught Him to sit."
I came home, My husband said,
"Look, if you put him on the Roof and light his tail,
He jumps into the pool."
So you think that Maybe the dog is--
He's not a child Substitute.
At least, that's what His pediatrician says.
Uh-huh, on 27 acres.
Uh-huh, good.
Attached garage, That i like.
Six bedrooms, Sunken living room.
Dining room, den, maid's Quarters, okay.
No, no, no, Money is not an issue.
Sir, the opposite.
Yup, uh-huh, Opposite of that.
Okay, opposite again.
Okay, now You're on it.
Good.
Sean, let me ask You something:
The sunken living room-- Could that be fixed, or... ?
( Ben on phone ) I think it's gonna Work out.
I mean, i think if i find the Right place it's gonna work out.
Ben, i'm just afraid You're going about this--
You're putting the cart Before the horse.
That what you really need, Before you need an apartment,
Is you need some Kind of steady income,
Something where You can say,
"This is what I bring in every week,
This is what it's gonna Cost me to live here."
No, no.
So you can plan The life of a young adult.
This is what you--
No.
I think that what you gotta Do is you gotta be bold.
You gotta make bold moves And then let the chips fall.
Okay, look-- i was 17 years old.
I couldn't stand Living at home anymore.
Here we go.
And i moved into the first Available place.
I come home Two nights later-- crabs.
Really ?
Yeah, i had crabs from This mattress.
You can't get crabs From a mattress, can you ?
If there's a hooker on it.
Hey, whoa, Wait a minute, please !
Hello, chico !
So it's not just The place.
You think that people Are different there ?
You know, like, your friends In california--
They're "like" your friends.
They kinda look like people, There's a telephone involved.
They have an automobile,
But they're not "Like" your friends.
Back in new york or boston or Seattle or atlanta or texas--
As a matter of fact, your Friends in l.A. Don't show up
When they invite you somewhere.
How do they Make that work ?
In new york city, if you Say to your friend,
"I'll meet you at the Movie theater at 10:00",
It's not a suggestion of What could happen
In the world that They-- it's an actuality
It's like magic, boing !
You and your friend just appear At the movie theater at 10:00,
Because on the east coast Of our country,
If you're not there, You know, you're accountable.
People are really upset.
They're all like, "barry, what The ( bleep ) is going on ?
I'm standing outside the theater For two ( bleep ) hours of my--
( Bleep ) my head, I'm thinking,
"What, did you die ? Do i go in, do i go out ?
"Do i buy a ticket ? Do i give it to the usher ?
"Do i look For you in the back ?
"Do i look for you coming Out of the subway ?
"Do i beep you Or call your voice mail,
"Your other eight numbers like You're some sort of
"Doctor drug dealer ?
What the hell Is going on ?"
You okay ?
And on the east coast Of our country,
You give what's Called a "reason".
You make up what's called An "explanation".
And then you move on With your life,
So, it's no big deal.
You know, i don't like To bleep my patients, barry.
( Sighing )
So you also have your problems With the east coast ?
You know, i lost my Luggage at kennedy airport,
The most unsympathetic Place in the world.
You go to the person behind The counter whose job it is
To help you.
I say, you know, "I've lost my luggage."
Typical, new york style,
The person goes, "Yeah, that's all i need now.
"You and your bags.
"What, do you want me To pick up the airport
"And shake it 'til your Bags fling out ?
"Who am i, kreskin ?
"What am i, yuri geller, Shirley maclaine in the head ?
What am i, the magician David copperballs ?"
What ?
"What is this, the psychic Bags balls network ?
Did you know your Bags went to san jose ?"
Hey, excuse me, No, no, excuse me.
I think you're a little Out of line.
"Hey, here's something:
"You know what your bags look Like and you can't find 'em.
I don't know what They look like."
Hey, laura.
Hi.
I just popped back in.
Great.
Yeah, pop in, Pop out.
I like that second part.
Yeah.
Hey, how's the stuff going With your place ?
Have you found...
Yes.
You found somebody ?
Good, good.
Mm-hm, yep.
That's good, I'm still looking, myself,
For my own place.
Sure.
Yeah, my own little Private spot.
Me, oh, me.
Yeah, actually, i more stopped By on the lines that i would--
I'm gonna make out some change Of address forms,
You know, Some announcements
That i'm gonna Make that move.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, so i was thinking Maybe, you know,
My father Would probably be cool
About you typing them Out for me.
No.
Well, if you have a second, or A minute, you could type out--
Wait a second.
You're filling out Change of address cards
And you don't know where You're moving ?
It sounds Crazy when you say it.
What was it like In your house ?
You're a kid.
You're 10 years old, you're In brooklyn, new york.
Can you sort of--
Growing up in new york city Was like--
Do you ever see Any neil simon plays ?
Yeah.
It was just like that.
It was, like, a lot Of yelling and screaming.
It was always like, "get Out of here.
Get out of here !"
"I'm not leaving."
"You're leaving, You're getting out !"
"Don't tell me to get out."
"People are arguing And everybody's jewish
In neil simon's naughtiest New hit, 'the exit.'"
"Get out of here !"
"Get out !"
"Excuse me, Mr. Screaming.
"Pardon me, mr. Yelling.
"Time out, Mr. 'I'm not deaf.'
Now i am !"
That was the kind of Upbringing i had.
My dad-- my dad Has expressions like,
"Ooh, look how they getcha, Look how they getcha !"
We go to A steak restaurant.
You know, i think it's A good deal.
You take mom and dad-- $14, all you can eat.
My dad's already suspicious.
"Ooh, look how they getcha, Ooh, they getcha.
"They give you the soup, The salad, the bread--
"Don't eat the bread.
"Don't eat The breadsticks.
"By the time the steak comes, You're too full !
"You can't eat it.
That's how They getcha."
I go, "wait, wait--"
Like any good New york kid,
I'd be screaming at my dad In the restaurant.
"What do you mean that's How they getcha, dad ?
"What, they give The steak to someone else
"After you've had a Couple bites ?
"They want you to have just A bite or two of the steak,
"And what do they do, Take it in the kitchen,
"They solder it back Together,
They sell it On the street ?"
My dad goes, "what do i look Like, the expert on steak ?
"What am i, henry Worcestershire sauce ?
"What's in my pocket-- A big cow chart.
"Let me put this up in case
"Anyone else has Any beef questions,
"Any meat inquiries.
"Barry, i don't know Where the steak goes.
"All i know Is how they getcha
That's how they getcha."
"You wanna argue At this hour ?"
He would do that.
At nighttime In new york city,
There was nowhere you could Go at "this hour."
He would always be, "oh, you're Gonna go out now, at this hour ?
"Where do you go ?
"A crazy place, A sick place.
"You're gonna Make a phone call now ?
"You're gonna use my phone At this hour ?
"Who do you call ?
"You call crazy people, You call sick people.
'Hello, come on over And kill me.'"
So he was not a real source Of wisdom in your life ?
He'd go, "don't do Anything i wouldn't do."
He wouldn't do anything.
You see what I'm saying ?
Yeah, that limits you.
Actually, It frees you.
Well, i don't know.
If you don't do anything That he wouldn't do
And he wouldn't do anything,
That means you Could do everything ?
Or does it mean The opposite ?
I give up.
Well, you're the doctor.
Not enough air in here.
So you used to-- wait a second, You worked in real estate ?
I was mr. Real estate.
When was this ?
It was in the, um... Late '70s, early '80s.
Yes, i was at the top of My game, actually.
You know that slogan "Location, location, location" ?
Yes, i've heard that.
I'm the one who coined That, actually.
You're kidding me.
No, actually, my First suggestion was,
"Location, location, Location, location."
Why do i even ask ?
You know, If you can--
I can set him straight.
Yeah.
'Cause i'm just worried The first guy he sees--
He'll give Him a deposit
And the guy will disappear Into the back of a van.
Why do you have So little faith in him ?
I guess from spending Time with him ?
Oh.
Hi, dad.
How'd you make out ?
You see Anything you like ?
Tough day, Tough day, overall.
It's a little on the pricey Side nowadays.
Well, you know, I'll tell you something.
It's tough even for me to make Ends meet, you know.
Yeah.
It took me years just To get them
To acknowledge Each other's existence.
The ends ?
Yeah.
Meet.
Just a little joke, ben.
Yeah, you ain't Kidding, dad.
I'm just-- i'm surprised How difficult it is
To find a place In my price range.
And what-- have you figured Out what that is ?
Well, it started In the late teens,
And then it dropped into The preteens.
You're looking for Something in the preteens ?
Yeah, and then, based on some of The numbers i was hearing,
I was thinking About maybe holding off
'Til the market Settles down.
Maybe that's the right Thing to do, you know.
Just sort of wait it out.
Yeah, it's not me.
I wanna go right Ahead with it.
You understand.
But i think it's more--
Timing it right.
Yeah, you gotta.
Well, real estate Is timing.
Yeah, it is.
Or is that comedy ?
I think Comedy is location.
Hey, you know, i've also--
I've been doing some Thinking myself, ben,
You know, about your mother And the visit,
And that maybe We should let her know
That she's really welcome To stay here.
Really ?
Yeah, i think i acted Too harshly and too quickly
And didn't really try and see It from your point of view.
That's nice, dad.
I mean, i appreciate You saying that.
If you really Feel that way.
No, absolutely.
Otherwise--
No, as a matter of fact,
Why don't we give Her a call right now ?
No, i mean, i'm not against Having mom not stay here.
I've been doing A little thinking, too,
And i'm thinking maybe it's best Mom doesn't stay here.
Yeah, i've been doing A little more thinking.
Uh-huh ?
And what Were you thinking ?
Yeah, i was anticipating Your newest thoughts,
And i was thinking perhaps you Shouldn't do any more thinking.
I'm actually thinking that i'll Make the decision on this one,
And then, uh--
Ben, she's coming, and damnit, She's gonna stay in my bed.
Okay, let's call her.
So you're more Adventurous these days ?
You feel like you're starting To experiment,
Take chances you Didn't used to take ?
Yes, i'm going to water ski, Someday.
Oh, great.
As soon as i can Mentally separate it
From being dragged By a boat.
That's an important step.
Well, you're obviously In terrific shape.
Do you exercise every day ?
Yes.
Do you try to Watch what you eat ?
I buy anything that says "Low fat."
But they're Not real specific.
They never say lower Than what.
Lower than a great Big old cup of fat ?
Right.
You know, i had A lot of jobs.
One of the first jobs In entertainment i had was--
In the '70s, i used to be a Roadie for "the village people."
Indian, pick up Those feathers.
There are 15 minutes to Get on the bus.
Come on, help Me out, mr. Indian.
Construction guy, please.
What, all the musical Equipment's in florida,
And we're in new york city ?
( Sighing )
Where am i gonna get eight Tambourines by 9:00 ?
Boots, boots, boots, boots, Moccasins, boots, boots, boots.
All right, everyone On the bus.
Come on, let's go.
Let me ask you: why Is it that you dress like
Someone half your age ?
Ouch, that's cold, That's ice world.
I mean, is there an Age limit to this jacket ?
Well, it varies from State to state,
But let me Check the label.
Again, you know, you give Me the business.
I come in here, i pay you, and Still you give me the business.
These are my clothes, This is what i wear.
Let's say--
( Edward g. Robinson voice ) How's your dr. Katz now ?
Nyah !
( Laughing )
You know what You are, barry ?
Today you're A big silly head.
"Nyah, how's Your dr. Katz now ?"
( Music )
Oops, you know what The music means.